And You Work So Hard to Deceive Me.
I have been lost in a limbo. I have found myself laying on my mattress, my limbs curled up inside each other, feeling like a bird kicked from a nest... There was warmth and comfort, then nothing but air when I am hurled towards the ground with my wings spindly and furled against me, before I crash to the ground spattered like a thrown egg. I have that feeling on the mattress, and I am crying, because it is so easy for you to hurt me, to desert me... You are a different kind of sell out. You'd sell your soul, your heart, your girlfriend, just to make your point drive home. Just to have the last word. And then when I have gathered myself up again, when I have stitched the wounds on my wings closed all on my own, you are ready to shower your kisses and your love upon me. I am only relieved, and in my fucked up mind I am happy because it's like you're you again... Only, I don't know who you are.
Who are you? Are you the person that holds me close? When we sleep, are you the person that entwines your legs with mine? The man that whispers in my ear and clasps me ever so tightly as you move inside me? Or are you something else... The monster with the cold eyes, the hole for a heart, sucking me in but giving nothing, the man that has always been so selfish... I don't know who you are. I am scared to look within you and see the truth, that you are both, and that the person you really are is something else entirely; everything else is fake, a front, a defense mechanism that prevents anyone from getting too close. Even me.
I wonder why you hold me two arms length's away and still find it so easy and appealing to hurt me, why I can be broken and crying during an argument, even after I haven't cried in so long, and you can still snub me so easily, eager to have the last word. It disgusts me to cry in front of you, to be so vulnerable when you are so cold, and the tears choke me and hurt like there's glass in my throat, in my lungs. I have tried to take care of you, tried to make you see in yourself what I see, make you see that when we are together and happy, we are strong and can do anything... That I have trusted you to be the two legs that I stand on, to be the other heart that mine has been searching for, and yet you take a leg from me so easily, relishing it when I trip up so you can say something smart and then rub it in my face. You say I try to mold you, and I guess it is what it is, I just wanted you to reach your potential. I just wanted you to be better. I just wanted you to see the pedestal that I put you on and know that you are capable of flying far above it, if only you'd let yourself. I guess I was wrong for believing in you, and it's always wrong to believe in someone, if they can't believe in me, or in themselves.
I find that I am empty; water rushes through me, and there is nothing in my bloodless veins but the dripping of the water, and I am hollow, with nothing and no one to fill me. Not even myself.
