Weekly Things I Love

I'm gonna start doing this every week, coz there's so many things in the world that I love :) Love needs to be shared, don't you think? ....I love Kate Moss. She's gorgeous. She gives me hope, because she's so unconventionally pretty, and yet so successful. Drug addiction and her quotes encouraging anorexia aside. Hey, I never said she was a role model. Just that I adore her. Look at those hipbones. Geesh.

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Things I Really Enjoyed This Week...

My wonderful boyfriend, he's gotten so amazing. He leaves me adorable messages on my cell phone everyday, and tells me how much he loves me and misses me and "can't get enough" of me. I adore him even more than I ever thought possible. --- All the good news I got today! --- How soft my doggie, Nova, is the day after I bathe her. --- The new steak chili at work. And the gingerbread man cookies. So delicious and so against my nutrition plan. --- Rediscovering the deliciousness of baked classic Lay's. --- Mug upon mug of hot green tea. --- New episodes of Spongebob. --- Wearing shit I never usually wear because all of my favorite stuff I wear over and over is packed in boxes already, ready to be moved. --- Having tons and tons of nookie. --- Having tons of hope that things are going to work out. --- Starting the "no-poo" routine, as detailed by this article. --- Organic apple juice in a itsy bitsy carton. --- The feeling I get when I was really close to E on my car's gas tank, then pulling away from the gas station with my mind at ease because it's full! --- Three words; mint hot chocolate. No whipped cream please. --- "God's Gonna Cut You Down" by Johnny Cash.

What a Tangled Web We Weave,

And You Work So Hard to Deceive Me.

I have been lost in a limbo. I have found myself laying on my mattress, my limbs curled up inside each other, feeling like a bird kicked from a nest... There was warmth and comfort, then nothing but air when I am hurled towards the ground with my wings spindly and furled against me, before I crash to the ground spattered like a thrown egg. I have that feeling on the mattress, and I am crying, because it is so easy for you to hurt me, to desert me... You are a different kind of sell out. You'd sell your soul, your heart, your girlfriend, just to make your point drive home. Just to have the last word. And then when I have gathered myself up again, when I have stitched the wounds on my wings closed all on my own, you are ready to shower your kisses and your love upon me. I am only relieved, and in my fucked up mind I am happy because it's like you're you again... Only, I don't know who you are.

Who are you? Are you the person that holds me close? When we sleep, are you the person that entwines your legs with mine? The man that whispers in my ear and clasps me ever so tightly as you move inside me? Or are you something else... The monster with the cold eyes, the hole for a heart, sucking me in but giving nothing, the man that has always been so selfish... I don't know who you are. I am scared to look within you and see the truth, that you are both, and that the person you really are is something else entirely; everything else is fake, a front, a defense mechanism that prevents anyone from getting too close. Even me.

I wonder why you hold me two arms length's away and still find it so easy and appealing to hurt me, why I can be broken and crying during an argument, even after I haven't cried in so long, and you can still snub me so easily, eager to have the last word. It disgusts me to cry in front of you, to be so vulnerable when you are so cold, and the tears choke me and hurt like there's glass in my throat, in my lungs. I have tried to take care of you, tried to make you see in yourself what I see, make you see that when we are together and happy, we are strong and can do anything... That I have trusted you to be the two legs that I stand on, to be the other heart that mine has been searching for, and yet you take a leg from me so easily, relishing it when I trip up so you can say something smart and then rub it in my face. You say I try to mold you, and I guess it is what it is, I just wanted you to reach your potential. I just wanted you to be better. I just wanted you to see the pedestal that I put you on and know that you are capable of flying far above it, if only you'd let yourself. I guess I was wrong for believing in you, and it's always wrong to believe in someone, if they can't believe in me, or in themselves.

I find that I am empty; water rushes through me, and there is nothing in my bloodless veins but the dripping of the water, and I am hollow, with nothing and no one to fill me. Not even myself.

On the Waves of Change...

So today after particularly annoying day at work (due to being insulted by managers, obnoxious customers, and my register drawer being ten dollars short), I came home to a nasty piece of news... My apartment's lease was being terminated (a fancier term meaning hey, you're being evicted, only nicely so it won't affect your credit). Don't even let me remind all of you that I have only lived in this apartment since August. Now, I've written a post before about my shitty neighbors, and they were even shittier than I thought, as is my landlord, a man named Mike. Ever since we moved in, we have been blamed for things; one of our dogs was marking the bushes outside, because we were never told not to, and we were immediately held responsible for the dying bushes, even though they were dying before we moved in. Our dogs sometimes howl when we are gone, as do three other dogs in the complex, but we again are blamed solely for it--most likely because we are the only ones that didn't complain. There are roaches in our apartment and those close to us, and even though it says that any pests are the landlord's responsibility, we are being held accountable for the entire roach problem in the building, and that among the other things is reason enough for our lease to be terminated today, literally with no notice. I had never known that was in the equation. Mike also cited complaints that we have been having "domestic disputes." When Justin and I argue, we give each other the silent treatment, although I can't remember the last time we've had a real argument (let alone a loud one), and that's being completely honest with myself. Maybe we've been having sex too loudly, and our neighbors are jealous because they're not getting any. I wouldn't put it past them, because of how petty they are. However, on one side the guys can sit outside and smoke shitty weed all night so the whole complex reeks of it, and on the other side that bitch can party and blast music til 2 in the morning and come home drunk and yelling, leaving the porch light on all night every night so moths, spiders, and flies take up both our front doors as their new domain. It's so silly, because not once did I complain about them, despite the thin walls (I can hear our neighbors talking on the phone, using the toilet, slamming cabinets) but the entire time we've lived here, they've done nothing but. It's just one more to add to the plethora of reasons that I hate Greenville... I hate the college kids, the traffic, and the cramped roads. I hate the racist, tough attitude of the locals, and how there's nothing to do but get high and drunk. There's no museums, no pretty boutiques, no hip restaurants. Just Mickey D's for miles and an overcrowded Wal-Mart. I despise the strange weather; either too hot one day then freezing the next, but mostly rain. I even hate the name; both Greenville, and that stupid slang name, G-Vegas. I will not be unhappy to leave, especially since I was going to move to Winston Salem anyway next summer, although the timing couldn't be more terrible, which is the thing that really sucks. Maybe this is supposed to happen. I don't entertain myself with the notion that everything happens for a reason, but I can hope that the big things do, and maybe this will all turn out for the best. I'm sure everything will pan out...

For obvious reasons, my address is blacked out, but here's my "lease termination" notification letter for a bit of a fucked up laugh.... ;)